October 18, 2003, Saturday Night Massacre
No, nothing particular new. This Monday marks the 30th anniversary of Richard Nixon's Saturday Night Massacre.
Through archival source documents carefully collected by the talking dog's crack editorial and research staff, and by noting the uncanny resemblance between former Judge and Solicitor General Robert Bork and the late Victor Buono, we present for you this re-creation of the events of Saturday night, October 20, 1973.
October 20, 1973 shortly after 5:00 p.m. The White House, Washington, D.C.
(President Richard) NIXON: Rosemary, get me (Attorney General Eliot) Richardson on the phone.
(Presidential Secretary Rosemary) WOODS: Yes sir. Ringing him now. Mr. Attorney General, the President. Stand by, Sir.
NIXON: Eliot, Dick Nixon here. I'm not pleased with this Archibald Cox. I think he's grossly exceeding his authority, and I think it's high time he was fired.
RICHARDSON: Well, Sir, Cox has a job to do, and I find nothing untoward in what he is doing.
NIXON: Well, Eliot, I'm not concerned with what YOU find inappropriate. Last I looked, the American people elected ME the President. I want you to fire
Cox.
RICHARDSON: If you're serious about that request, Sir, I cannot comply. In fact, Sir, I cannot continue to serve in your Administration.
NIXON: Well, Eliot, if that's the way it has to be, then so be it. I'm sorry.
RICHARDSON: I'm proud to have served you, Sir, but my decision is final. Good bye, Sir.
NIXON: Rosemary, Richardson just quit on me. Whose in charge over at Justice now?
WOODS: The Deputy Attorney General is William Ruckelshaus. Ringing him now, Sir. Here he is. Mr. Deputy Attorney General, the President...
NIXON: Bill, Dick Nixon here. Richardson just quit on me. You're the acting Attorney General. I'm going to get right to it, Bill. I asked Richardson to fire that little asswipe with the bowtie Archibald Cox, and Eliot let me down. I need you to do your job, and make this right.
RUCKELSHAUS: Mr. President, you're asking me to fire the Special Prosecutor?
NIXON: That's right Bill. Him and his whole damned outta control staff. Take this whole thing back into Justice, where it belongs.
RUCKELSHAUS: Sir, that's entirely inappropriate, and I cannot do that.
NIXON: Bill, I seem to be losing my whole team today, but if you can't do that, I have to have someone who can. Consider yourself fired. Whose in charge after you?
RUCKELSHAS: That would be the Solicitor General, Bob Bork. But you should know, Sir, that Bob's not himself lately. While preparing for an argument at the Supreme Court, a library book fell on his head, and now Bork thinks he's some kind of Egyptian Pharoah... Sir? Sir?
NIXON: Rosemary, get me...
WOODS: Solicitor General Bork, Sir? The President...
NIXON: Bob? Dick Nixon here. Let me make this fast. Richardson and Ruckelshaus are out. You are now the Attorney General. As such, I need you to fire Archibald Cox.
BORK: Set fire to Archibald Cox? Yes, I see... hmmmm... a ceremonial pyre, perhaps, and then we can float him on the Nile...
NIXON: Bob, damn it, I don't want you to kill Cox, just terminate him...
BORK: Oh, yes Sir. Of course. With extreeeeme prejudice. Perhaps a poison scarab beetle... or an asp like we used on Cleopatra...
NIXON: Bob, pull yourself together man... (aside to National Security Adviser Henry Kissinger)... Henry-- what will I do this with this guy?
KISSINGER: Not to worry, Sir. I happen to know that Bork's Secretary keeps a two-by-four near her desk...
NIXON: Henry, I don't need to, or want to know, how you know that... just do what has to be done... Bob, are you there? Hold on another second...
BORK: Mmmm.... yessss? Sorry, Sir... I was just pondering how I was going to finish off that irritating Batman... [Bonk]... I'm sorry, Mr. President. Consider Archibald Cox fired.
NIXON: Thank you, Bob. I owe you one.
FADE OUT. The rest is history. In August, 1974, Richard Nixon resigned from office. (Shortly thereafter, he was pardoned by President Gerald R. Ford, who in turn lost to Carter, who in turn lost to Reagan, who beget Bealzibush who later begat his son the Dufusela... )
Do you want to know how I felt about Nixon's resignation? Well I'll tell you. Cheated, cheated, cheated, cheated...
Comments
Every time I remember the Massacre I can't help but remember the wonderful Saturday Night Live episode with Ayckroyd as Nixon asking Kissinger (can't remember who played Henry) to kneel and pray with him...
Posted by Elayne Riggs at October 19, 2003 04:15 PM
Elayne--
I'm pretty sure it was Belushi as Kissinger (think of the eyebrows!) According to this http://www.jumptheshark.com/s/snl.htm , SNL might even have "jumped the shark" at that moment (both left the cast shortly afte), but the show's been on over 23 years later!
The money line was "Pray with me Jewboy" as I recall...
Posted by the talking dog at October 19, 2003 06:45 PM
Yea, I remember Nixon referred to Cox as "that god-damned Harvard law professor." Also, Eliott Richardson was the lone celebrity that died on the eve of Millennium (12/31/'99)
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